Dear Jensen,
I’m not angry. Just disappointed.
It’s not even about the infidelity. I figure you billionaire CEOs are a lot like NBA stars: Unable to resist screwing around outside a marriage, seemingly on a biological level. The latter might literally be true if you consider the much-debated research about some corporate leaders being a bit psychopathic, but I don’t know, man… I’m upset about how poorly you did it all.
It sure looks like you got a little too comfortable, then entitled, then existentially reckless. I wonder whether that leather jacket is speaking to you like Venom whispering into Eddie Brock’s ear, telling him to kill Spider-Man. Except in this case, “Spider-Man” is actually “your four-decade marriage plus Nvidia,” which seems, objectively, like a bigger loss than a teenage vigilante from Queens dying. (Sorry, Peter Parker.)
When did the cheating start, anyway? I don’t know how you had the time to fool around, considering all those meetings around the world to shake hands and shill chips. Was your executive assistant in on scheduling these little meets? Or perhaps you preferred Ol’ Reliable: Hotel-room rendezvous with the “work wife”?
You were already caught on camera in March getting touchy-feely with Kimberly Powell, Nvidia’s vice president of healthcare, at a hotel following a professional conference in San Jose. Your staff made the bystander who filmed the incident sign an NDA; did that seriously not put the fear of God in you about all these affairs?
I had assumed that one of the most powerful men in the world would have a tactical advantage, and many resources, to cover up their affair tracks. And here you are, making me look stupid by fuckin’ around in public view at a hotel full of nosy Nvidia staff. You could’ve been a real man of culture who simply hires very intelligent dominatrix escorts in cities around the world. That sounds way more discreet and exciting than shitting where you eat with a bunch of corporate types, but alas.
Let’s put aside the Thursday revelation that you were sleeping with another Nvidia subordinate (eyeroll), and consider the discourse about whether you shared national and Nvidia secrets with the alleged spy, Alice Huang. Alice reportedly bragged about her close relationship to you, showing off photos and sharing stories with anyone who would listen. Not exactly the best recipe for a discreet affair, and I wouldn’t be surprised if China’s Ministry of State Security (aka its CIA) saw all of Alice’s social media posts and devised a plan to recruit her.
Wild speculation aside, what cannot be denied is that Nvidia is propping up the AI market by throwing money at other companies, and feeding a gigantic ouroboros of circular financing that’s funding everything from superconductors to data centers. You were the biggest force behind this strategy and the leading voice for US AI policy, pushing for chip exports to China and support for open-source AI. You promised to bring balance to the market, not leave it in darkness!
Now, all that remains of the extramarital chaos is a bunch of Wall Street quants panicking and Michael Burry — who got rich shorting the housing bubble in the aughts — getting to take a victory lap in the press about Nvidia being in serious trouble.
(Huge congratulations to Burry for being a super-rich guy who has not cheated on his wife nor destroyed his family over it.)
It seems like the only person truly empathizing with you, Jensen, is your pal Donald Trump, who said today that “it’s so sad to see that happen.” I’m pretty sure Trump’s just sad you got caught, given his own history of affairs, but congratulations: You’re now the top of the pyramid of cheating CEOs in recent memory, following McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook and Intel CEO Brian Krzanich.
In the meantime, CFO Colette Kress is now the interim CEO of Nvidia. I know correlation isn’t causation, but it sure seems like a lot fewer female executives get caught in dumbass affairs and corporate fraud; perhaps Kress can help salvage this mess without needing a leather jacket and public canoodling at a Four Seasons or whatever.
To everyone else reading this letter: Never let the rich and powerful convince you they’re smarter than you. Time for me to go cackle at Huang’s commencement speech at Carnegie Mellon University this year, in which he gets super sappy about the support of his wife, Lori, since they were college sweethearts. Jesus Christ.
