For years now, I’ve been subject to — and subjected my closest friends to — the scourge and delight of horny chain texts. They arrive in my inbox like clockwork, punctuating every holiday and politician’s demise with a deranged copypasta of emojis, sex puns, and threatening exhortions to send them on to friends. (If I didn’t forward it to ten friends, I’d “BE 🔜🫵 THE NEXT VICTIM 😈🪦OF THE PANDEM-DICK 💀💀,” according to one about Joe Biden getting covid.)
The chains sometimes circulate so fast, people get their news from them. One friend of mine found out about Joe Biden stepping down from a chain text that beat the Apple News notification: “UH OH 🥵HOE👨🏻🦳BIDEN🍆HAS DROPPED HIS ASS 🍑OUT⬇️🤤OF THE 2024 ERECTION,” that text began.
This Erection I mean Election Day is prime fodder. As an act of public service, I’m sharing my favorites with you — and will update throughout the day if I get more. Feel free to send these to your loved ones instead of doomscrolling.
Protect Our Rights (And Our Rose Toys)
HEY HEY 👋👋😆😆 it’s 🗳🏛🚨🇱🇷🇱🇷 ERECTION DAY!!! 🇱🇷🇱🇷🦅The POLES 📊are so close 😫😫 I’m EDGING on my seat 💦🥵
Will u SERVE 💅😘🏳️🌈 ur CIVIC BOOTY 🍑🗽 and DROP👇 ur 🍒👄🏀 BALL-OT🗳☑️ into 🙋🏽♀️Mommy KUMALA HAIR-ASS’s tight lil box??? 🗳😩🤤😻👍🇺🇸 Finally 🍊🤮DON-OLD DUMP 👎🎃 can be put in 🗝️⛓️ CHAINS ⛓️😩 JOE BI-DICK can go to bed 😴🛏️🥱 and our 📜🖋 CONSTITUTIONAL COOCHIES 🍑🌮 can RIDE 👏🏇 some 👏🔔 DEMOCRATIC 👏 DONG 🍆👏🤤🇲🇾🗽
Don’t be a 🤒😷 REPUBLICUNT 🤮👎🐘send this to 2️⃣7️⃣0️⃣ 🗽🦅LI🅱️ERAL LA🅱️IAS 🐴 if u want FREE-DICK to RING 😍😍 or else PROJECT 2069 IS GONNA TAKE AWAY 📜🚫 our RIGHTS 📃📝📝🚫🚷 AND OUR ROSE TOYS 🌹🫨📳😵💫😭❌😥😰😰
The Cunty Cumdidates
⚠️Attention⚠️ h0rny v0ters & cUnty CUMstituients! These 3️⃣ CUMdidates are TRYing 2 please😏 the 🤷swing voters 🤷♀️all the way 2 the base🤤. Make sure to cast your🫵 vote for dommy 👮🏽mommy CUMala, 🍊DONGnald trump🏌️♂️, or 😫jErK it 💦for JILL♻️. Do your civic duty and FILL😩 those boxes ☑️on your🫵 BALLot🥜. ✴️{if 🫵are in New York City🗽 vote ✅on 1 and no 🚫2-6}✴️
📩Send to 🔟of your loosest🤪 DICKmocratic 🍆HOEters 🐘🇱🇷🫏to get a new president🫡 today!IGNORE 🔇for weeks 🧖of CUMfusion 💦and 👨⚖️judicial review👩⚖️📐✊🏼🍆💦💦💦
The Ballz to the Wallz
🇺🇸🦅ITS ERECTION DAY🌭🗓️ 🖊️IN THE UNITED✨ SLAY-TES 🇺🇸⭐️ WILL YOU🫵🏼BE SERVING🫡💁🏻♀️YOUR CIVIC BOOTY🍑👅BY CASTING🎣 😩YOUR ✅VOTE 🗳️😏IN HER BALLOT📥 BOX👅👀 WILL SHE🫣GO BALLZ 😈🏉TO THE WALLZ 😼😮OR WILL SHE J 🧎🏼♀️🫦ON YOUR D 🫢🥵TILL YOU VANCE ✊🏼💦THIS NOVEMBER 5️⃣TH WE CELEBRATE 🍾OUR RIGHT 🤤TO STAR 🌠SPANK 👋🏼AND BANG 💥HER 🫨IN THE LAND 🏔️OF THE FREAK 😛🔥AND THE HOME 🏠OF THE GAYS 🏳️🌈 LIKE THE 🐱CUNTSTITUTION 📜SAYS IN 🕊️🙏🏼GOD WE THRUST 👉🏼👌🏼 SEND 📫➡️THIS TO ALL 🔄YOUR KAMALATOES🐫🦶 IF YOU GET 1️⃣0️⃣ BACK YOURE A 💫🇺🇸NATIONAL TREASURE 🇺🇸👑IF YOU GET LESS ⬇️THAN 5️⃣ YOURE A 🤡😵DONALD FRUMP🎺👎🏼
The Land of the Freak and the Home of the Gays
ATTENTION ‼️‼️ 🇺🇸🦅ITS ERECTION DAY🌭🗓️ 🖊️IN THE UNITED✨ SLAY-TES 🇺🇸⭐️THE TIME ⏰ HAS OFFICIALLY CUM💦 for Kamala’s COCONUTS🥥🌴TO ELECT HER🗳️🇺🇸 AS OUR NEXT PRESI-CUNT🥵 OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 🇺🇸💦 SO YOU BETTER 😤SERVING🫡💁🏻♀️YOUR CIVIC BOOTY🍑👅BY CASTING🎣 😩YOUR ✅VOTE 🗳️😏IN THE BALLOT📥 BOX👅👀 AND CUM PREPARED😳 TO PARTY 🎉🍾 THIS NOVEMBER 5️⃣TH WE CELEBRATE 🍾OUR RIGHT 🤤TO STAR 🌠SPANK 👋🏼AND BANG 💥HER 🫨IN THE LAND 🏔️OF THE FREAK 😛🔥AND THE HOME 🏠OF THE GAYS 🏳️🌈 LIKE THE 🐱CUNTSTITUTION 📜SAYS IN 🕊️🙏🏼GOD WE THRUST 👉🏼👌🏼 SEND ✉️ THIS TO 4️⃣7️⃣ OF YOUR CLOSEST CUMRADS 💦 TO GET BLESSED 🙏 BY TAMPON 🩸TIM AND QUEEN 👑 KAMALA👸🏽 AND IF YOU DON’T 🛑 THEN 🦅 JD VANCE🧔🏻WILL FORCE 🚫😱 DIET MOUNTAIN DEW 🥤 DOWN YOUR THROAT 😫🤮 WHILE HE DROPS HIS JD PANTS👖AND BUSTS 💦🤤 A FAT LOAD 🚛IN 🍆🥛IN UR COUCH 🛋️
Happy Election Day!
